I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize