I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
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You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
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I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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