literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize