I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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