It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
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I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
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Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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