just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Hippo gnu deer
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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