i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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