hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
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No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
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I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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