Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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