Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He? As in you personified your dick?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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