Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize