I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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