Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
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Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
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I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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