First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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