I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
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His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
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Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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