i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My ATM looks so different sober.
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today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
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Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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