friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
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I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
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So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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