I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
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Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
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Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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