ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
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Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
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Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
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