Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
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I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize