he wants to bone in the snuggie
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
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You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
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im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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