My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize