Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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