so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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