it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
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