Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize