i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
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Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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