I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
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Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
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Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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