I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
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I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
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He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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