yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
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I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
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