Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize