I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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