And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
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We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
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she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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