first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
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Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
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When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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