He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
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we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
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spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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