i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
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I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
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Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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