I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
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That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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