So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
barbara walters just said penis...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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