Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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