im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
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I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
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That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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