hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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