i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
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All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
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Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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