Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize