I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
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It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
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"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
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