Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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