Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
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just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
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That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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