Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
being pregnant is like rehab
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize