Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
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he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
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Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
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