He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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