Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
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Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
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The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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