have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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